Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
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A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Money is the root of all wealth
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’m sorry…what?
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.