ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
all bases covered
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school