Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
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Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
one of
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy