The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The glory of fall.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
The pasta is now
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?