If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
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Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
wow
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
My dad teaching me to drive
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.