We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
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Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”