Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
translated into Canadian
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?