Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
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4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Just parrot things
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.