Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.