Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
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The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.