Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll