I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
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I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!