Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Worlds greatest photobomb
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time