Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Is your wife single?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler