Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.