“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
You Might Also Like
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Do not levitate over flowers
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Woke up against my better judgement again
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can