Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
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Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
That’s easy for you to say
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
bout dat hot dog summer
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE