My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
OKAY DAD
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
getting groceries
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it