*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
You Might Also Like
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.