Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
incredible book dedication
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
secret recipe
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.