only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
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I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I beg your pardon?
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby