Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
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Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
This is me