Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
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Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.