Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
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This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
The news is so predictable nowadays
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
handsome & gretel
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.