No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
We’re all getting idioter.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.