Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
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Alarms are for people without children or puppies
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
Look at this
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.