Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.