Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.