Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
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This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly