Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
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What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.