[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
No, YOUR illiterate.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Why are bridges so flammable.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob