[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
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Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
I’d rather go liquor treating.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
what day is it?
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?