“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
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So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Smile they said.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese