Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
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Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
What do you hear?
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs