why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
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Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…