Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
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Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Anyone want a chair?
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time