*googles how the hell I ended up here*
You Might Also Like
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
my favorite genre of twitter
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.