Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
You Might Also Like
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I just tested negative for patience.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.