Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
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me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.