Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.