Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
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Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
A friend sent me this.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Are we there yet?…
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.