Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
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They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
Did my cat write this
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.