[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
This 4th of July, please remember…
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.