I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
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Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.