Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
You Might Also Like
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Meow
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
me 2 months after i graduated
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Scream sneezers need love too.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.