#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
reviewed some movies recently
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine