In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
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If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
🤣🤣🤣
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Was it something I said?