Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
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Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Me trying to look natural in photos
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow