An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
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Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Thrilling chase underway
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.