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Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
saving face 👀
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man